Wednesday, February 14, 2007

{Love Multiplied}



Four. Seemed like a nice number that January evening as Gary and I discussed our plans for the future. Recently engaged, there was a whole world of topics that we needed to discuss and decide on, seemingly that day. It wasn't even a hard number to come up with. Gary is the youngest of seven and I am the oldest of two. We both wanted something different than we had experienced and four just seemed like the right number.

Then Noah arrived. And rocked my world. Not in a good way. Those first months of parenting were so desperately difficult. I'm not sure who cried more, the baby or the mother. A difficult birth followed by difficult times. That conversation from the January night years before seemed to mock me. How did I ever think I could do this? Was God angry with me? Why did some women seem to ease into motherhood with such grace and everything in me screamed out for the life I felt I'd lost?

Still, we knew our family was not complete. Olivia came along, an exhilirating birth experience and an easily comforted baby. Not the mother though. Still struggling with fears and worries and sadness beyond my ability to control. Anger and disappointment towards my husband who could not pull me out of this pit. Silence is what I perceived as God's response.

Then came a diagnosis of depression from a wonderful and understanding doctor, a surprise pregnancy, and a peace inside that I had never experienced. An understanding developed of the blessings in my life: my precious kids, an incredibly patient and supportive husband, and a God who had not abandoned me. Another surprise pregnancy followed shortly after Sophie's birth and, with Georgia, we reach the number: FOUR.

There were those who suggested, meaning well, that maybe we should stop having children when we had TWO. I am so glad that God saw fit to bless us with TWO more. There were lessons I needed to learn...in fact, I think the lessons were all part of this bundle of being a mother of four. Life has mellowed. I still struggle. There was a bit of a grieving process over not being this "natural mother." But, you know, I've grown into it. Matured into it. I had a lot of "self" to give up along the way, but I've found a me who is a whole lot more comfortable in her own skin. Happiness is fleeting but joy is everlasting. Love multiplied.

I hope you are having a wonderful Valentines Day. I've been sneaking Hershey's Kisses to my children at different intervals throughout the day, "kissers" as Georgia calls them. Know today that you are loved, dear ones!

12 comments:

Ara said...

Great Layout! That's so sweet!

Wonderfully worded life story. Touching! Hope that you continue to have Love Multiplied!!

Kristin said...

What an amazing, wonderful post.

Megan said...

Beautiful post :)

. said...

You know, I am surprised to read about your trepedations as a mother. I never would have known had I not read it from the horse's mouth. Not having met you, but *knowing* you, I look up to you as a mother. And now, even moreso :)

Unknown said...

Happy Valentine's Day to you. YOU are loved.

Marina said...

Oh Renee, what a wonderful life story, thank you for sharing with us. Your layout is fabulous!!!

Hope you had a wonderful Valentine's with your family!!!

Pam @ Heart2Heart said...

I loved reading your story about 4. In my mind, I KNOW you are a wonderful Mother. We all can be so hard on ourselves though, I know I am about my mothering skills. Sounds like the perfect Valentine's Day at your house, full of Love!

Sara Laughs said...

It's funny two of my four were surprises as well.

Thank you for sharing yourself like that Renee. I needed to read that today and know you're not alone in your "natural mother" guilt.

Amydeanne said...

ahhh everyone is soooo well meaning when they think 2 is enough.. those have never had 4, have they? I'm thrilled with babies and I know too much about the ppd than I'd like to admit, but I think you already knew that about me... I hope you had a great time at the ladies retreat!

Queen to my 3 Boys said...

That's really neat! We would love four as well. We're waiting to see if that's in God's plans as well. I felt the same way about my first. Floundering and anxious are 2 great words to describe my feelings during that time. So much better the second time around, but still not feeling completely 'natural' at it. Thanks for being so honest. If more were honest like that maybe we wouldn't have such high expectations of ourselves - thinking that we were the only ones struggling.

hollyday said...

I so understand about the "natural mother" guilt--I think maybe we all do ;). That was beautifully said--thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel so often :). ((Hugs))

Meari said...

What a beautiful post. Hope you had a good Vday! I like your new layout. :)